A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
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I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
*Buys world map*
*Pins map to wall*
*Promises to visit wherever dart lands*
*Throws dart at fridge*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”