me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
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Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.