Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.

I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

#oldknees

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.

[1st day as police officer]

PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!

ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.

I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.

Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*

5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”

So, yeah, she’s mine.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

[restaurant]

ME: Do you have updog?

WAITER: [sighs] No sir

M: Ok, is this gluten free?

W: No you have to pay for it

M: Damn you’re good

Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder years

Wonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon