me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
![]()
You Might Also Like
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
![]()
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
No, he would not have.
![]()
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …
The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.