me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
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gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
so i’m at the stock market right
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
brian had himself a morning…
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.