@whatsJo

me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up

god: still me you didn’t click over

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@erica_rosie

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

@PeterMolydeux

You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying

@marcusthetoken

Ok I just started watching House M.D.:

1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?

@Lance_Said_This

Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.

@NYC_Blonde

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

@samalmightysam

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.