me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
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I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
#oldknees
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my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon