Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
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*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Pro tip:
Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.