The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
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I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
scrabbled eggs
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie