omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
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my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Easy enough.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down