(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
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I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Good advice.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
[in my bedroom]
Me: …and this is where my wife likes to mix things up *winks*
Friend: Gross. What’s the blender for?
Me: I just told you
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft