*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
And now we wait
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”