And now we wait
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Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.