After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
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HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Cats (2019)
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*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.