our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
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I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Century: 100 years.
Decade: 10 years
Lustrum: 5 years.
Together forever and ever and ever: 2 weeks.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?