Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
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You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Well, this explains it: