My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
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1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
The Friday File.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.