All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
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Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma