They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
You Might Also Like
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
this is how life feels
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.