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Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
I finally found a reason to live again.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.