Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
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“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.