Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
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her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians