I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
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I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
What’s a Messi?
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist