Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
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I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed