Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
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There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.