As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
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Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
This sounds bad:
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Mornin
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.