I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
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Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Meme Monday.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.