One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
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Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?
Me: Vodka
Guy: That’s classy
Me: Not in the amounts I drink
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys