When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
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[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
the dark web is just a goth google.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
Dead sexy!!
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Husband of the year 😂
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.