[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
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I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Shortcut
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
Wife *rubbing her belly* we’ve got a date for our ultrasound
Me: omg
Wife: are we gonna find out what it is?
Me *googling what is ultrasound* way ahead of you
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?