“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
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Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Many hands make light work
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?