When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
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When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
*names my little horse OneTrick*
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.