R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
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When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
This story is comedy gold 😂
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.