Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
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[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
The Wolf of Wall Street.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?