Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
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Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look