Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
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ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words