*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
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Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.