If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
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Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
so weird how every mom was born today
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.