ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
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me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Time for evil
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
Beware…..
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days