@SaraESpivey

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

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@lucifermrningst

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

@JillianKarger

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

@LuvPug

But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.

@ilovepie84

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

@TopherKearby

Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.

@robdelaney

“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013

@jaslakhmna

My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…

@neiltyson

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

@TheOldFolksHome

Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*

Stan: A power cut.