I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking