I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
my astrological sign is a french fry
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”