I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
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I’m doing the lords work (judging)
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.