[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
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a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Out of embarrassment, I just told a train passenger I’m crying cos my bf dumped me. Real reason is I’m listening to the Lion King soundtrack
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
He’s dead