Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
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me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.