It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
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3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
LOL
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.