Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
I want this so bad
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
My patience has stretch marks.