Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
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Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.