Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
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Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
I came this close!!!!
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
🥶🥶🐶🐶
🤣🤣🤣
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
She: I like Cats
He:
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”