Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
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My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip