Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
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My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My patronus is a cheeseburger
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
LOOOOOOL
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application