Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
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ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
A family that plays together cheats.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.