I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
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[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Ion see the issue
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.