@crunchenhanced I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
@afynou -hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
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@crunchenhanced 
@Megatronic13 Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
@miffedmim [1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
@ArfMeasures WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
@Tmoney68 If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
@samalmightysam God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
@Clanopath It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
@SuperRandomish Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
@coolandbreezey My guardian angel deserves a raise
@hardasamother Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.