if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
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Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
want me to check your oil?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
there has never been a better use of this meme
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed