if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
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*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Friends that check up on you >
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.