The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
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Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?