I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
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Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
This why you should mind your business
Fidel Castro was alive?
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit