Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
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Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I once had a tweet go bacterial.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.