I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.
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I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep